RELATIONSHIPS Q&A

Happy Wednesday, friends! A couple of weeks ago I asked you to send in any questions you had on relationships on my Instagram. I had no idea the response I would get, but you guys are all about this topic! I started off with answering the most reoccurring questions on BOUNDARIES last week (see here!), but today I’m going to go through the rest! (P.S. f you don’t see your specific question it is because I am going to group some of the most common questions together!)

I truly should be going to someone wiser for many of these questions, but I am going to give them my best shot. Miles and I dated for 2 years, were engaged for 9 months, and have now been married for almost 10 years. We are not relationship experts by any means, but through experience and the wisdom of couples that have gone before us, we have learned a thing or two. Let’s get to it!

RELATIONSHIP Q&A

Q: How should we expect to be pursued and what does a good leader look like? 

A: Due to the change in culture, I feel like a lot of women have felt the need to lower their standards when it comes to dating. Social media and relationship statuses like “talking” have made things confusing and a lot of the romance has been lost. But it doesn’t have to be this way. I had a friend get set up on a date recently by her friends. The guy was given her number and when he could have easily texted her or even sent a message on Instagram, do you know what he did? HE CALLED HER. He went out of his way to make his intentions known and in the process made her feel special. THAT is how we should be pursued.

We have a Heavenly Father that is pursuing us daily. He sent His Son to make the ultimate sacrifice and in that sacrifice we see the way He loves us. Your identity should be found in that love and you should be patient and wait on the man that reflects the heart of your Father also. A man that makes you feel valued. Even if the sparks don’t fly and it doesn’t go anywhere, you should be treated with respect. A good leader has his identity firmly rooted in the Father as well and demonstrates that in the way he pursues you.

Know your worth, Ladies.

Q: Do you have advice on being vulnerable while dating? I’ve been hurt before, how I do I trust again?

A: That is SO tough. When we have been burned before we usually do one of two things. 1. Forget our worth and look to the next guy to fill us up or 2. Put up a wall that no guy can get through. Like I mentioned last week, we must guard our hearts at all time, but you can do that and still open up. If your identity is firmly rooted in Christ and you have found yourself in a relationship with a man that reflects the Father’s heart (and has given you no reason to not trust him!), then this is where you can become more vulnerable. Guarding your heart does not mean putting up walls. It means knowing who you belong to. But through Christ centered friendships/relationships we can be encouraged in our identity. Don’t let someone in your past steal joy from your future!

Q: I thought I had confirmation from the Holy Spirit to get married, but he broke up with me. Confused. Help! // How do you know if they are the one?

A: Wait on the Lord. I did a blog post on God’s Will recently (see here!) and it is all about being in tune with the Lord and trusting His timing. The Lord will open doors and close others. It can difficult and can be painful, but His “no” is really making room for an even bigger and better “YES”. If they love Jesus and make you better, be patient. If they don’t, move on!

Q: How do you resist sexual temptation while dating?

A: I talked a lot about boundaries last week so make sure you check that out, but I’ll add just a little. God made sex as a gift for two people in marriage. It’s not a bad thing to be desired. However, when you take sex out of marriage you have two people that become physically connected without being “one”. There is always grace, but it’s difficult to not carry that with you in future relationships if this one doesn’t work out. Remember the goal that God wants you to have a beautiful and healthy marriage, but in the meantime you can protect yourself by making really smart boundaries about where/when you spend your time together!

Q: How do you not let your significant other become an idol in your life?

A: Oooo GOOD question. It is so easy to let a relationship become an unhealthy idol if our world begins to revolve around that person and not the One we should ALWAYS be in relationship with. A good thing to remember is that no matter how much you care for this person, they are human and they will let you down. If you let them become an idol in your life you are putting your happiness and your worth in their hands. They will fall, they will drop it, and you will be left shattered in the process. BUT… if you remember who made you, loves you unconditionally, gives you grace daily, and calls you “mine” always, then you will never fall. You’ll go through ups and downs in life, but your Father will never let you down. Remember to go to Him first for your prayers and your praise and there won’t be room for anyone else to squeeze in as an idol.

Q: How do you fight in a healthy way? // How do you compromise with your spouse on expectations? // Do you always feel like you love them or do you choose to love them?

A: I did a blog post ALL about “fighting well” a few years ago and you can find it here! I would add that “expectations” will be the ongoing conversation throughout your marriage. At least it still is 10 years in. ;) Yes there will of course be moments of compromise and putting the other person first, but the best advice I can give is VOICING your expectations. Men are not mind readers! They get a bad wrap for not meeting our “needs”, but let’s be honest, are we telling them our needs? Or are we simply nagging them for not living up to what we expect them to know on their own? Just something to think about. :)

Also, I always “love” my husband. “Liking” him when I’m upset is a different story. But choosing to remember the man he is at his heart verse the man I’m upset with in a moment is what produces an unconditional love.

Q: Do you have a recommended book to read before marriage?

A: SO many good ones out there! We love His Needs, Her Needs (so good for understanding how different we are!), Love & Respect (spoiler alert: men need respect the way we need love!), and Single, Dating, Engaged, Married (SO SO GOOD). Also, I tell every woman to read The Fruitful Wife before getting married! I did an entire blog post on it here! It is GOLD.

It’s always fun getting on here and talking relationships! Again, I’m no pro, but through a lot of hard work, my husband and I have a special marriage that I don’t take for granted. However, our marriage is only good when we are both humbly aware of how much we need a Savior to intervene on our behalf. If you are firmly holding on to your relationship status with total control and closed fists, I urge you to open your hands and give it to your Father today. His plans and His timing is always better. Trust Him. I promise it is worth it! xoxo