My weekly blog posts have turned into monthly posts and for that, I’m sorry! Chasing an almost two year old, while 9 months pregnant, during the holiday season has definitely taken more of me and everything else has been put on the back burner. The perfectionist in me, or enneagram type 3 if you’re into that sort of thing ;), is struggling with not being able to “do it all”, but the tired mama in me is extremely thankful for grace on grace during this season.
BUT when I feel the Lord stirring I can’t help but put the to do list down for at least one nap time and pull out my laptop to chat with all of you. As I’m typing I’ve got about four Christmas candles burning with all of our indoor Christmas lights on (even if it is the middle of the day). I have almost all of our gifts already wrapped and under the tree. Christmas music is playing as my laptop rests on my ever growing belly and the baby monitor of my peacefully sleeping toddler quietly buzzes in front of me. Miles and I are about to celebrate our seventh married Christmas together. This will be Anniston’s second Christmas and we will have a sweet newborn joining us in time for her first Christmas this year as well! You could say life is pretty good. And let’s be honest, you’d be right. We have so much to be thankful for this holiday season and I hope that I never let the small, petty things steal away from my grateful heart.
But if you think my life is PERFECT, then you would be VERY, VERY wrong. The holidays are hard for me. It is a constant reminder of my dad no longer being with us and that this will be our fourth Christmas without him. Having a baby is hard (besides the obvious reasons haha) because it is another child I will not get to introduce to my dad on earth and see him be a grandfather to. Between my due date and Christmas Day getting closer and closer, these feelings of sadness, loss, and hurt seem to resurface even more than usual as well.
And guess what? THAT’S OKAY.
It’s okay to be beyond excited about welcoming a new life into the world AND it’s okay to be completely heartbroken that all of my loved ones are no longer on this earth to share in that joy.
It’s okay to be eagerly anxious about watching my daughters experience the magic of Christmas Day AND it’s okay to dread not being able to see or speak to the one that planted his love for Christmas in me to begin with.
It’s OKAY to not be OKAY.
I don’t know what you are going through and I’m not going to pretend to. I don’t know if this really is the most wonderful time of the year for you or the most dreaded. I just want you to know, you are seen. You are not alone. It’s okay to feel the feelings. It’s okay to not be okay.
This year I am choosing joy. But I am also choosing to acknowledge my pain and ask Jesus every morning for renewed strength to face the day. I am choosing to thank Him for coming to us as a little baby in a manger to save the world. I am choosing to thank Him for saving me.
So no matter how weary you are this season, remember you have a Savior that lives and when all else seems lost, THAT alone is reason to rejoice! A new day is coming. Lean into Him and He will never leave you!
I am with you and praying for all of you today! Merry Christmas!